


Queer Eye Special: Fab 5 Meet Lucky 7

by holidayonthemoon



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Disabled Character, Gen, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Minor Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris, Stan and Eddie are alive--the turtle was probably involved but who can say, This is not actually Bill Hader RPF even though Richie says "Rad" 5 times, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holidayonthemoon/pseuds/holidayonthemoon
Summary: Richie goes on Queer Eye to promote his new Netflix special.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 83
Kudos: 459





	Queer Eye Special: Fab 5 Meet Lucky 7

**Author's Note:**

> Usually when I have a dumb idea like this, I go, "I hope someone writes that," but this time I went, "I need to write this before someone else does!" I'm kinda surprised no one has, yet, that I know of. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this nonsense and that the Fab 5 are not too OOC. Also, Eddie uses a wheelchair in this fic, and I do not, so if I wrote anything grossly inaccurate about using a wheelchair, please let me know!

Queer Eye

Special: “Fab 5 Meet Lucky 7”

Episode Transcript

Rating: MA

  * Establishing Shots of Los Angeles. Drone shot of the Fab 5’s Escalade travelling south on the 101. 



KARAMO (VOICEOVER)   
In season one, we were hanging out in Atlanta, getting to know and help out amazing people all around Georgia. Now, for this special episode of Queer Eye, we’re headed to LA to help recently out comedian Richie Tozier, whose Netflix special, “Straight-Up Liar,” a “tragi-comedy variety show examining the transitory nature of memory, cycles of violence, and why clowns are so fucking scary,” is premiering today along with this special episode of Queer Eye. Wow, there’s a lot to unpack there.

  * Interior shot of the Fab 5 in the truck. Karamo is driving, Tan is in the passenger seat, and Bobby, Johnathan, and Anthoni are in the back.



BOBBY  
Okay, so I’ve actually seen Richie do stand-up before, and this is a _huge_ departure from what he is known for. Like, he did the raunchy dude-bro fuckboy schtick really well. I was totally convinced. 

TAN  
Yes, we met at a party once--

KARAMO  
When would the two of you have been at the same party?

TAN (rolls eyes)  
I can’t remember. It was years ago, but I remember we met and I consider myself to have excellent gaydar and he flat-lined on me, completely. 

KARAMO  
So you had him hooked up to a gay monitor?

TAN  
And the gay did not register. At. All.

JOHNATHAN  
Okay, you guys, so he was nominated by his friends Bev and Eddie. Bev has known Richie since she was thirteen, and Eddie and Richie have been best friends since they were five years old. (everyone “aw’s”) 

TAN  
FYI, I have known Bev for ages. We met at Zara actually, when we were both starting out in the industry. She’s a wonderful person and exceptionally talented.

JOHNATHAN (reading from a piece of paper)  
Bev says, “Richie is one of my dearest friends. In spite of losing touch after high school, we picked up right where we left off after reconnecting two years ago. We reunited in our hometown with five of our other childhood friends in September 2016 after not seeing each other in twenty-two years. (Everyone oo’s and ah’s.) Derry, Maine, was not a good place to us. When we were kids, the seven of us called ourselves either the Losers Club or the Lucky Seven, depending on how many of us got beaten up or harassed that day. (The Fab 5 wince and make displeased sounds.)

“A week before reuniting in Derry, a gay man was brutally attacked during the Canal Days Carnival while on a date with his boyfriend. (They look shocked and horrified.) During our reunion weekend, our most prolific childhood bully--Henry Bowers--tried to kill our friend Mike after escaping from the asylum where he had been held since 1989, when he murdered multiple children as a fourteen year old. (Closeup on Anthoni whose mouth is hanging open in astonishment. He mouths “what the fuck.” Cut back to shot of all five.) Then, while we were stupidly exploring one of our old haunts, a spooky house that had been condemned since the 90’s, the house collapsed and our friend Eddie was seriously injured.” 

KARAMO  
And this all happened in one weekend? How awful.

BOBBY  
I remember reading about that.

KARAMO  
Which part?

JONATHAN  
“The sum of these events took a big toll on Richie. Being gay in Derry is dangerous, even today, and Richie was a frequent target of Bowers’ bullying when we were growing up. And out of all of us, Eddie is Richie’s very best friend, and Eddie nearly died that day. I am so proud of him for coming out publicly in the midst of all this turmoil, while also being Eddie’s primary caretaker for the year after the accident. Furthermore, he has found a new voice as a comedian and artist. I’ve recently watched Richie’s old stand-up specials for the first time, and it’s wild to see that guy on stage, because he’s nothing like the Richie I know. I’m so glad that everyone is going to get to know the weird, wonderful Richie I love so much.

“Richie needs some help, especially now that he’s going to be doing press again and touring the live version of his new special that he’s developed. He dresses like an old man who’s retired to Maui and he doesn’t always remember to brush his hair. Also, he was in the closet for a long time, and I think it would be good for him to just hang out with you guys. Fab 5, please help my friend. He deserves this!”

ANTONI  
That is a crazy story!

JONATHAN  
Okay, yes, but can we focus on how amazing and beautiful their friendship is? 

KARAMO  
Wait, wait, so they hadn’t seen each other in twenty years and then Richie immediately becomes Eddie’s primary caretaker after this accident? I want to know more about that.

JONATHAN  
Well, we are going to meet both Bev and Eddie at Richie’s condo! Now, we are going to dispense with the facade for a moment to tell all our lovely viewers out there that we have been coordinating with Richie well before shooting this episode, because Bobby will not be working on Richie’s condo. Richie has bought a house, and none of his friends know. 

BOBBY  
Except for Ben, who is an architect--

TAN  
A very beautiful architect. 

BOBBY  
Yes, and he is handling the renovation. He’s married to Beverly, and Richie says that it’s been almost impossible to keep this a secret from Bev and Eddie, so we have to be very careful not to reference the new house in any way. 

ANTONI  
Why is it a secret?

  * Shot of the car pulling up to Richie’s building. Beverly and Eddie are outside. It’s a sunny August day in Los Angeles. Beverly is dressed in khaki-colored parachute pants and a black short-sleeved shirt and black leather sandals. Eddie is wearing a blue short-sleeved button-up shirt, jeans, and loafers. Eddie is in a compact wheelchair. Attached to the back of the wheelchair are forearm crutches. 



KARAMO (VOICEOVER)  
I guess we will find out soon enough.

  * The Fab 5 get out of the car and greet Bev and Eddie with hugs and air kisses. They arrange themselves so they are all in frame. 



TAN  
Beverly, it’s so good to see you again!

BEVERLY  
You too, Tan. And it’s great to finally meet the rest of you. Everyone, this is Eddie..

EDDIE (waves)  
Hi, guys. 

BOBBY  
Nice to meet you, Eddie. 

KARAMO (to Bev and Eddie)  
So, tell us about Richie and why you think he could benefit from our help

EDDIE  
Ha, no problem. Richie is the smartest dumbass you’ll ever meet. You look at him, and you see a mop wearing glasses, but that mop has probably just finished reading the complete works of--god, what has he been reading, fucking--Steinbeck? I don’t know. I don’t have the patience for novels. And he’s a total film snob and a really good cook, and um, he’s uh, my favorite person in the world. The last two years have been insane for me, all of us but--

BEV  
The two of you in particular. 

  * Cut to Eddie in a confessional-style shot. He’s sitting on a white sofa and wearing a dark blue track-suit and mock-neck white shirt. His crutches are leaned up against the arm of the sofa.



EDDIE  
So, after the cl-- the accident, I nearly died and was stuck in the hospital for months and Richie stayed with me the whole time. Which worked out, because the day I left for the Losers Club Reunion, I, uh, I left my wife and asked for a divorce. Turns out I’m also gay, and, well, if you had met both my wife and my mother, uh, there are a lot of stereotypes based in truth, and I was a prime example. There’s more I could say, but anyway, well...

If I had been less checked out on painkillers, I probably wouldn’t have let him do this, but Richie got housing for us in Bangor for the three months after I got out of the hospital and took me to all my doctor appointments and PT, and the whole time, he made it seem like I was the one doing him the favor? As if he didn’t have anything better to do. I asked him once if he wanted to go back on tour doing stand-up instead of babysitting me, and he was like, “Yeah, so I can live out of a suitcase while I spend an hour every night telling shitty jokes that I didn’t even write myself?” I think he said he would rather wipe my ass a thousand times than do that another minute. Um, at the time I was less mobile, and he did, um, you know. I didn’t really mean to share that. (Eddie laughs.) But, I don’t know, we were kids together and have seen each other at our best and worst, so it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to let him help with that stuff. And I’m just better when Richie’s around. Everything is easier when he’s there. 

PRODUCER (off camera)  
So it wasn’t a tough decision to move to LA from New York? 

EDDIE  
Oh, fuck no. First of all, almost all the Losers live on the West Coast, so it’s awesome being close to everybody again. And I couldn’t work for about a year, and it would have been boring as fuck being on the East Coast by myself. Like, just waiting around every day for some home health nurse to help me take my two o’clock shit and make me eggs and toast in between rounds of physical therapy? No thanks. 

Plus, um, okay, Richie got a new condo before we drove to LA, like, he specifically got a ground floor unit with a walk-in shower and had rails installed and had his stuff moved while we were still in Maine and everything. It’s not fully wheelchair accessible, but still. He doesn’t know I know, but I heard him on the phone working on it while I was still in the hospital. My legs are fucked, but my ears work fine. Even if I was basically in an opiate coma for two months. So, he went through all that trouble, and I figured it would just make him sad if I didn’t move out there with him. 

Not that I did it for him, though. I wanted to move to the West Coast. I did it for me. I almost died and I do what I want when I want, now. (He pauses, takes out his phone, and starts typing. He starts talking again, still looking at his phone.) Anyway, Richie’s the best and he fucking deserves to not look like Gonzo the Great. 

PRODUCER (off camera)  
What are you doing on your phone?

EDDIE  
I’m ordering a pizza. 

PRODUCER (off camera)  
You’re welcome to the catering, you know.

EDDIE  
Yeah, but I want a pizza so I’m ordering a pizza. What’s the address?

  * Establishing shot on Richie’s apartment building. Cut to the interior of Richie’s condo. Eddie, Bev, and the Fab 5 are in the living room. It is a beige color with white slat blinds on the windows, no other window dressings. The furniture is all old black leather pieces that look beyond broken in, more like worn out. The walls are bare. There are a few throw pillows and blankets strewn about. There is an old coffee table marked with rings. The wood floor is bare. 



EDDIE  
Yeah, so as you can see, it does not look like a place where two self-respecting gay men live. 

BOBBY  
Yeah, this place is devoid of personality, and now having met you both, you both have such huge personalities! It’s crazy to think you’ve both lived here, how long?

EDDIE  
Almost a year and a half. 

BOBBY  
Wow, yeah, it does not look that way. 

  * Cut to Bobby in confessional



BOBBY  
It’s so hard for me not to be like, “Yeah, Richie hasn’t put any creative energy into this place because he’s been working on his new house! Surprise!” but that would ruin not only the surprise but also this entire episode, so I’m going to have to keep my mouth shut. 

  * Cut back to living room



EDDIE  
Here, let me show you around. Bev? (Bev grabs Eddie’s crutches and helps him out of his wheelchair. He takes the crutches and starts down the hallway.) So, I’m still not great at walking--the doctors aren’t sure it’s going to get much better than this but we’ll see--but this hallway isn’t wide enough for me to push my chair through easily, so on days when I’m really tired, it can be tough. Anyway, our rooms are through here. Shared bathroom, you can see the shower with the rails. (Imitating Richie) ”No really, Eddie, it was like this when I got it!” (Eddie rolls his eyes) Okay, Rich, I appreciate that you’re trying not to treat me like a charity case but I’m not an idiot. My room is through here. 

  * Camera pans to show Eddie’s room. It’s spare, but the bed has a blue bedspread and matching curtains on the windows. 



EDDIE (cont.)  
And that’s Richie’s room at the end of the hall. Kitchen is through here. 

  * Camera follows him into the kitchen. It is very small and outdated. 



ANTONI  
Are you able to use the kitchen? 

EDDIE  
Barely. At first it was impossible, and days where I really need my chair, well, I can’t even get into the room, really. But I’m a shit cook and Richie’s great at it, so he does the cooking, but sometimes I just want to make myself a fucking sandwich, yeah? (We hear the sound of the door opening, and Eddie turns around) Oh, is that him? 

  * The camera pans to show Richie entering the condo. He is wearing a purple graphic t-shirt that says “Turducken” with a black and green striped short-sleeve button-up, khaki shorts, and red converse. His hair is messy and his glasses sit a bit askew on his face. Bev greets him with a hug. 



RICHIE  
Hey, Bev. Hi, guys! Am I a lost cause? 

EDDIE  
Yes.

RICHIE  


I wasn’t asking you.

KARAMO  
There is no such thing as a lost cause, Richie. (They hug) It’s good to see you. (The Fab 5 take turns hugging Richie. Richie walks over to Eddie and puts an arm around him.)

RICHIE  
So, has Eddie Spaghetti given you the grand tour?

EDDIE  
Could you not call me that on camera, please? 

RICHIE  
I didn’t call you that, I called you Spaghetti. 

EDDIE  
Yeah, don’t fucking call me that. 

RICHIE  
But I didn’t call you “that,” I called you--

EDDIE  
Oh, so we’re doing “Who’s on First” right now. 

RICHIE  
And what’s on second.

EDDIE  
Jesus Christ. (Eddie is scowling but it seems like he’s trying not to laugh, and he has not attempted to move from Richie’s side. Karamo and Antoni share a look.)

KARAMO  
Alright. Bev, Eddie, if you wouldn’t mind, Richie is going to show us his wardrobe (Bev cringes) and and take us through his grooming routine (Eddie snorts), and we’re going to get down to business. You’ll see each other again in a few days! (Bev and Eddie hug Richie as they say goodbye.)

EDDIE  
Richie, if I come back here and you have turned the living room into an arcade, I will end you.

RICHIE  
Don’t worry, Eds, I have your list of demands right here. (He pats his pocket.) Maximum one arcade cabinet. I remember.

BEV  
Richie, I know Tan, so if he tries to put you in streetwear, call me and I will rescue you, okay? 

RICHIE  
I know I can always count on you. (Eddie and Bev leave.) Okay, let’s get this over with so we can get to the new place.

BOBBY  
Hey, no need to rush. We are ahead of schedule at the house, so we can take all the time you need here. 

RICHIE (dryly)  
Great. Okay, then, Jonathan, come with me to my humble bathroom. 

  * Cut to Richie and Jonathan in Richie’s bathroom. They’re standing in front of the shower next to the sink. There are two shelves next to the sink. The bottom one is full of all sorts of products. The top one has a giant, costco-sized body lotion pump bottle on it, a tube of toothpaste, shaving foam, and a disposable razor. 



RICHIE (cont.)  
You can probably guess which shelf is mine and which is Eddie’s.

JONATHAN  
So, do you have any sort of routine or anything you’d like to add and aren’t sure how to incorporate?

RICHIE  
Well, I shower every day and shave most mornings. 

JONATHAN   
Do you have anything you use for your face?

RICHIE  
Besides shaving cream? I just have one of those 17-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, drain cleaner, etc. 

JONATHAN  
No, no, no, honey. That’s going to dry out your skin and strip your hair of all its natural oils. 

RICHIE  
Yeah, about my hair--I am losing it. But I really don’t want to do the surgery or any of that, so if you could help me with that?

JONATHAN  
Of course! (He runs his fingers through Richie’s hair, examining it.) Luckily, the hair that’s sticking around is beautiful and there’s plenty we can do to make it look more thick and gorgeous. We’re also going to give you a super easy skincare routine that will get you glowing and will help you get a closer shave with less irritation.

RICHIE  
Yeah, I do tend to give myself razor burn a lot.

  * Cut to a shot of Tan and Antoni in Richie’s bedroom trying on his many ugly short-sleeve button-up shirts. They have been taken out of his closet and are strewn on the bed. 



TAN  
I cannot believe this. He literally only owns graphic t-shirts, short-sleeve button up shirts, and jeans and cargo pants. I’m not against a capsule wardrobe, but he doesn’t have a suit. He doesn’t have slacks. And all these shirts are hideous. 

ANTONI  
Look at this one. You can’t tell from far away, but up close, the pattern is hot dogs. 

TAN  
Oh my god. That’s ridiculous. This, however, is a travesty. (He holds up a graphic t-shirt. It is acid green and says “Cowabunga” in comic sans.) This should not exist. (He throws the shirt in the trash.)

RICHIE (entering the room)  
I see you have found my collection. 

TAN  
Yes. Please tell me you have no sentimental connection to any of this, because I would like to burn it all.

RICHIE  
No, we can get rid of everything. It’s fine. 

TAN  
Really? Just like that?

RICHIE  
Yeah. I don’t know anything about fashion, since I was trying really hard to act like how I thought straight guys acted. But, um, I’d like to explore some stuff. I do like patterns, and quirky stuff, and I just buy cheap shit because I didn’t care, but I do like well-made things. 

TAN  
How do you feel about wearing vintage? Because that could be a fun way to incorporate quirkiness into your wardrobe while still being fashion forward. And there are a few brands I think you’d like for new basics, and you definitely need at least a couple suits. 

RICHIE  
Sounds good to me. 

ANTONI  
Now, I have a question. Eddie mentioned earlier that you’re a good cook?

RICHIE (bashfully)  
Oh, really? Like, unprompted? (Antoni nods) Yeah, I’ve always liked to cook. My sister hates it, so growing up, I would help my mom make dinner all the time, and she’s an amazing cook. 

ANTONI  
Are you close with your family?

RICHIE  
Now, yeah. After I left Derry, things kind of got, well, I wasn’t great about staying in touch, and I was trying to be this whole other person here in LA, but after my dad retired, my parents moved to Phoenix to be closer to my sister and her kids, and that’s not so far from here, so I go visit them pretty often. 

ANTONI  
Was it hard to come out to them?

RICHIE  
Well, I came out to my sister when I was in my 20s because I had to tell someone, and she’s been great. Then, I came out to my parents last year, right before I went public. Ha, yeah, my mom was like, “Oh, Richie, did I ever say anything or do anything that would make you afraid to tell me?” and I was like, “No, no, of course not, but you should probably stop making this about yourself,” and she threw a grape at me. And my dad was like, “So. You and that Kaspbrak boy…” and I almost died.

KARAMO  
That’s Eddie, right? 

RICHIE  
Yeah um. (He takes an audible breath in and out through his nose.) I’ve been in love with Eddie since I was thirteen years old. (The Fab 5 look shocked to various degrees. Bobby just smiles and nods.) I’m just putting that out there so now I have to tell him before this show premiers. And my special, because there are a few bits that, well, it’s important that I tell him first. 

KARAMO  
He really doesn’t know?

RICHIE  
I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure all my friends have at least some idea, though.

TAN  
Are we the first people you’re telling? 

RICHIE  
Yes, besides my parents. And Ben and Bev definitely know, but I’ve never told them, not technically. But if I actually tell everyone before this airs, there will be the illusion that I told you all afterwards. Um, can we please go to the house now? (They all make noises of agreement and follow Richie out of the room)

  * Cut to Karamo in the confessional



KARAMO  
Finding out that Richie is in love with Eddie is definitely illuminating. From what Eddie has said about the events of the accident and afterward, Richie has been vital to his recovery. Their relationship goes way beyond a casual friendship, I think on both sides, but we’ll have to wait to find out if Eddie feels the same. 

  * Cut to the Fab 5 and Richie arriving at Richie’s new house. It is a single storey ranch-style house. The house is rather large and there is a tall fence around the property and the driveway is gated. There is a wheelchair ramp that leads up to the front door next to a short set of steps.



RICHIE  
Welcome to Chez Tozier. (“Chez Tozier” said with French accent.) Come on in. (He opens the front door and everyone goes inside.) 

  * Cut to the interior of the house. Ben is there waiting for them. They are standing in the living room. The open floor plan allows for a view of the kitchen. The living room is already fully furnished. The walls are a cream white and the floors are earthy ceramic tile. There is a very large sectional couch in the room in forest green, and the ceiling has exposed beams. In one corner is a hammock. It has a warm, cozy feel. 



RICHIE (cont.)  
Everyone, this is Ben Handsome, excuse me, Hanscom. (Ben looks sheepish.) He blushes every time I do that, you know. 

BEN  
One day I won't. I’m almost used to it. 

BOBBY  
Richie, Ben, tell everyone what we’ve been up to. (Richie gestures at Ben.)

BEN  
Well, Richie bought this house six months ago. I think he started looking for a place, maybe, a year ago? (Richie nods.) It took a while to find somewhere in LA with the right footprint, in a relatively flat neighborhood, single storey, not too far from downtown. 

RICHIE  
My realtor was an angel sent from heaven. I probably looked at twenty places before settling on this one. 

BEN  
And then we pretty much gutted the whole thing. Widened all the hallways and doorways. Eddie doesn’t use his chair all the time, but he doesn’t seem to be in any rush to get out of Richie’s hair, so it made sense to make the whole house wheelchair accessible.

BOBBY  
You’re a professional architect?  
  
  


BEN  
Yes.

BOBBY  
Have you ever designed anything before for someone dealing with accessibility issues?

BEN  
This is a first for me. It’s been an interesting experience, different than just trying to be ADA compliant. I’ve realized through the process that designing to code and designing for actual accessibility and usability aren’t the same, not necessarily. For instance, we were going to do carpet in the living room, but that can be difficult to push a chair on. Then we thought about hardwood, but that’s slippery, so we decided on tile, but that gets cold, and we couldn’t do area rugs, because, well, same problem as carpet but with an added tripping hazard. So we ended up taking out the heating ducts and doing electric radiant through the floors instead. That’s just one example. Issues like that came up all over the place. Honestly, I’m not one-hundred percent satisfied with the kitchen, but the consultants I worked with, well, anyway, Eddie doesn’t cook, lucky for us, so it probably won’t be an issue.

RICHIE  
Yeah, he’s going to be able to make his own grilled cheese sandwiches again, and those gross green smoothies, so he’ll be happy.

KARAMO  
So, Richie, what other considerations did you take when you and Ben and Bobby were putting this all together?

RICHIE  
Well, I know that I’ve talked a lot about Eddie, but I want this to be a place where the whole Losers Club can come hang out whenever they want. We’ve all been through a lot together, and I don’t want us to lose touch like we did last time. So, I’ve got enough space for everyone to crash, and there’s touches here and there of things I thought the others might like.

BEN  
When we were kids, I designed an underground clubhouse--

RICHIE  
That remained intact after twenty years, I might add--

BEN  
And the living room is kind of an adult recreation of that. We showed Bobby some photos of it, and he came up with this design. 

RICHIE  
I’m so glad you put in the hammock, man. 

BOBBY  
I did feel like that was important to recreate that clubhouse feeling, but honestly, the effect is that the whole house is Club Lucky Seven. The only things we have left to finish are Richie’s room and the landscaping around the backyard patio.

KARAMO  
Well, Ben, Bobby, let’s leave you to it. 

  * Cut to Bobby in the confessional



BOBBY  
It’s been a great experience working with Ben on Richie’s new house. I’ve gotten to know Ben pretty well through this process, and the way he describes them all as kids, the Losers Club were inseparable, but Richie and Eddie were on another level. I really want all the Losers to feel comfortable here, while also getting even more of Eddie’s independence back. If we can accomplish that, this will be the home Richie wants and, frankly, deserves.

  * Cut to shot of Richie and Antoni in Richie’s kitchen. The appliances are stainless steel and everything looks sleek. 



ANTONI  
So we have multiple people agreeing that you’re a good cook, so I’m not going to worry about teaching you anything, but I can help you plan the menu for your housewarming party with the rest of your Losers Club. 

RICHIE  
Yes, so the plan is, I’m getting all seven of us Losers together a week before my special comes out on Netflix. I’ve gotten permission to do a screening for them beforehand, which is rad. My parents are going to be here too. My sister can’t come because she’s either going to be hella pregnant or a new mom for the 4th time right around then so they’re all staying home. Shoutout to Megan, Paul, Jayne, Phillip, McKayla, and Josephine if she’s been born by the time this airs. But yeah, that’s eleven people total. 

ANTONI  
And have you been thinking about the menu?

RICHIE  
Steak and eggs.

ANTONI  
Oh. Is that all? 

RICHIE  
Well, it’s a pretty versatile menu. We can sous vide some sirloin and sear it. Stir fry some tenderloin tips. Maybe do a steak tartare--I’ve got a meat grinder here so we can do it nice and fresh, with the egg yolk on top. That marries the two elements of the theme perfectly. And then we got fried eggs, poached eggs, soft boiled, hard boiled, scrambled. Eggs any way you want them. 

ANTONI (blinks)  
Um. Do you want to incorporate, maybe, maybe a vegetable side? A salad, or?

RICHIE  
Yeah, we can do some wild stuff with some avocados, man. Guacamole. Avocado toasts. Avocado chocolate mousse. Just like, slice them up and fry them--avocado fries? Someone has to have done that already. 

ANTONI (blinks)  
Um, are you? Oh, you’re joking, right?

RICHIE (laughs)  
God, yes. Sorry. If the words coming out of my mouth sound like bullshit, it’s probably bullshit.

ANTONI   
So, what are you really thinking for a menu? 

RICHIE  
Well, I want to do buffet style and something that I can make mostly ahead of time so I can just have fun and hang out. So I’m making spaghetti. (He winks at the camera.) I’m half Italian--mom’s side--and she has this bolognese recipe that came all the way from the old country, so I’m going to do that. Then, maybe salad? And one or two appetizers. And dessert. 

ANTONI  
So other than the spaghetti bolognese, you’re not sure? 

RICHIE  
Well, for dessert, I’m just gonna order some pies from this bakery I’m obsessed with. Seriously, like, better than 95% of the orgasms I’ve ever had. I’m gonna get one french silk, one lemon meringue. 

ANTONI  
Cool. For apps and sides, if we want to keep with Italian theme, maybe keep things simple with an antipasti platter to start, then I have this roasted fig and arugula salad that I love that I think would stand up well next to a bolognese. 

RICHIE  
Fuck yeah, that sounds awesome. 

ANTONI  
And everything will come together really quickly, so you’ll be able to spend time with your friends. Were you thinking of doing wine pairings? 

RICHIE  
I know nothing about wine, so no? I know I like the taste, but like, being into wine is kinda…

ANTONI  
Gay? 

RICHIE  
Uh, yes. So yeah, fuck yeah, let’s do wine pairings. 

ANTONI  
Let’s go try some things and see what you think. 

  * Richie nods, and they leave the kitchen. Cut to Richie and Antoni at a small wine shop. There are four bottles open



ANTONI (cont.)  
So what I’ve done here is I’ve picked out a red and a white that I think would pair well with an Italian dinner, and I’ve also opened a red and a white to compare them to, just to show you how different wines can be. So the first white is an Italian pinot grigio. 

RICHIE  
A favorite of wine moms everywhere. 

ANTONI  
This is going to be light and citrusy and will go well with the antipasti and the lemon meringue pie. (Richie tastes it)

RICHIE  
Okay, that’s nice. I kind of get what you said about the flavors. 

ANTONI  
And this is a California chardonnay. Taste it and tell me what you think.

RICHIE (taking glass)  
Another wine mom favorite. That’s weird, how do I know so much about wine moms? (He tastes the wine and scrunches up his face.) Ugh. I, no, I don’t like that at all. It tastes like sour vanilla. 

ANTONI (laughs)  
Well, now you know you don’t like white wines aged in new oak barrels. 

RICHIE   
Ew, yeah, I guess not. 

ANTONI  
Next up, let’s try the reds. The first is a nice chianti--

RICHIE (Hannibal Lecter voice)  
But we don’t have any liver and fava beans to go with it.

ANTONI (confused)  
Is that a reference to something?

RICHIE (shocked, in normal voice)  
Are you serious? It rubs the lotion on the skin? Hannibal Lecter? You aren’t that much younger than me, come on, man.

ANTONI (laughs)  
I know _Silence of the Lambs_ , Richie. 

RICHIE  
Okay, thank god. You set me up for that, didn’t you. Sorry, you’re really pretty and I tend to assume pretty people aren’t funny. 

ANTONI  
I will take that as a compliment. 

RICHIE  
So the nice chianti?

ANTONI  
Yes, this will be dry--meaning not sweet, and medium-bodied. See if you get notes of cherries or floral notes. 

RICHIE (tastes it)  
Okay, I think I do get cherries, but you might have planted that in my head. It’s good though. I like it. 

ANTONI  
Okay, I’m not going to tell you anything about the next one. Just tell me what you think. 

RICHIE (Takes a sip of the 2nd red. Stops and thinks. Takes another sip.)  
Is this expensive? I honestly can not explain the difference, but it tastes like it costs more money. 

ANTONI  
Yes, this is a barolo, which is generally known as Italy’s finest wine. And it is more expensive because it’s been aged a long time, and that time is what’s needed to bring out the more complex flavors in the wine. 

RICHIE  
That’s rad, man. 

  * Cut to Antoni in the confessional



ANTONI  
I love seeing Richie already embracing parts of himself that he had hidden and discovering things he hadn’t known about. I’m glad he’s sharing his love of cooking with his friends. Cooking is something so personal that you can do to show someone you care about them. Between the meal he’ll be preparing and the reveal of the new house, his friends are never going to doubt that he loves them. And I think I proved to him that I’m not just a pretty face. (Winks at the camera)

  * Establishing shot of cafe, with Karamo and Richie walking inside. Cut to Richie and Karamo sitting down. They’re in a cozy corner with wood paneled walls. They are in wingback chairs with a small table between them with two cups of coffee. 



RICHIE  
This place is nice. It feels like the kind of place academics go to hash out ideas. How about, I’m Kirkegaard and you’re Nietzche. Question: Does god exist? Let’s go. 

KARAMO  
Or, you could tell me about your new special.

RICHIE  
Aw, come on man, I’m trying to rebuild my brand. Richie Tozier: Actually smart, not just a smartass. 

KARAMO  
Do you think people don’t perceive you as smart?

RICHIE  
Kind of, but it’s my own fault. I’ve just cultivated this persona, like, hi, I’m Richie Tozier. I’m a loudmouth dumbass fuckboy who can’t dress himself. Please ignore any signs that I am actually a f--, a soft-hearted gay guy with a degree in philosophy who cries every time I see a dog on television. 

KARAMO  
You’ve spent a long time hiding yourself. 

RICHIE  
Yeah, my whole life. Like, when I was a teenager, it was to protect myself. Derry was dangerous for anyone back then, let alone a gay kid. Still is. Then, after I grew up and moved out on my own, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful, but it’s easier in a way if people underestimate you. Like, my first job out of college was as a writer’s assistant, and I would let people assume that I didn’t go to college? But I graduated with honors from UCLA. So people would be surprised when I would write stuff and it would be good, and then, because I surprised them, they remembered me. I don’t know. I think I just wanted to control what assumptions people made about me, even if they were wrong. 

KARAMO  
You’ve already thought a lot about this.

RICHIE  
Oh, yeah I’ve basically been rehearsing this conversation once a week for two years with my therapist.

KARAMO  
And how does your new special play into you no longer hiding and being true to yourself?

RICHIE  
Well, it’s all me up there. It started as kind of a mission to commodify and profit from every foul thing I’ve ever thought about myself and every fear I’ve ever had and every slur that’s been flung at me. But it really became something--by the end of my stand-up career, I wasn’t writing any of my jokes, and my persona had gotten so far away from who I was that, this thing I did to control how people saw me ended up controlling me instead. Fucking ironic.

But I did write this special with a team of really talented, interesting people, and the concept is mine, and it’s not really like anything that’s on television. I’m really grateful to my manager, who helped me pitch it, and Netflix has been so supportive. I’m proud of the work, and it’s not quite finished yet, but I think people will like the final product, especially after seeing how people have been responding to _Nanette_ , Hannah Gadspy’s show? God, she’s amazing. I was talking to her, she was helping me hash out this sketch that wasn’t working, and we were both like, if only tiny, baby-gay bloody-nosed-because-we-just-got-punched-in-the-face us could see us now, which ended up becoming one of my favorite bits in the show. So she’s got a credit as a creative consultant. There’s also this bit where I apologize to all my fake ex-girlfriends? I’m really proud of that one.

KARAMO  
Are you not giving too much away?

RICHIE  
No, no, honestly I haven’t figured out a way to describe it that gives anyone the full picture of what it actually is (he turns to address the camera directly), so I guess you’re just going to have to watch it to find out. 

KARAMO  
And when is Eddie going to find out how you feel about him?

RICHIE  
Ugh, you are smooth. You are a smooth motherfucker. Um, I don’t know. Never, if he never watches this? 

KARAMO  
Are you afraid of his reaction?

RICHIE  
Honestly? Not really. Like, I don’t think it’ll be a huge surprise. No one will be shocked, him included. I think I’m afraid of, if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same way, and once it’s finally out in the open, it changes what we have. Because just him being around is more than I thought I would ever have. We saw each other again for the first time in 20 years, and it was like nothing had changed between us. Best friends, the rhythm of everything, just, bang. And my feelings, um, still in love! Surprise! Then two days later he was on life support. (He takes a deep breath.) And I was really lonely, before, and I hadn’t really realized it. I missed all the Losers, but him the most.

KARAMO  
What do you think you’re trying to say with this house?

RICHIE  
What I really want to say is that my friends are welcome anytime. Open invitation, as often as they want. And Eddie, if he wants to stay, he can, as long as he wants. He, I don’t want to speak for him, but he hasn’t ever really had the chance to, um, live on his own, even before the accident, and he should be able to do that, if he wants to.

KARAMO  
Has Eddie expressed that he wants to move out or get his own place?

RICHIE  
Uh, no. 

KARAMO  
But you’re afraid that that might happen?

RICHIE  
Oh, yeah, big time.

KARAMO  
Have you ever thought he might feel the same way as you do about him?

RICHIE  
I don’t let myself think about that. 

  * Cut to Karamo in the confessional 



KARAMO  
Richie has basically done everything he can to tell Eddie he loves him, except saying the words to Eddie’s face. Hopefully, Tan and Jonathan will help Richie feel more like himself, rather than a character he has been playing for most of his life, and that will give him the confidence he needs to tell Eddie how he feels. 

  * Cut to Richie and Tan standing in front of Richie’s walk-in closet in the new house. They go inside. The closet is still mostly empty, but certain portions are taken up with newly pressed clothes. There are two main sections. One one side, there is a selection of jeans, slacks, plain t-shirts in various neutral colors, long sleeve button downs in neutral colors and patterns, and dark-colored blazers. On the other side are button-downs sweaters and blazers in loud prints and patterns. 



TAN  
Now, I’ve got you a number of basics that will be very easy for you to mix and match, along with some eclectic pieces I think you might like. I have a few outfits picked out for you. Go try one on and let me know what you think. 

  * Tan leaves Richie’s closet. Cut to a shot of Tan sitting on the bed waiting for Richie. When Richie enters the bedroom, Tan looks pleased and surprised. Pan to Richie entering the bedroom. He is wearing a straight-leg jean, white sneakers, a white t-shirt with a green and white patterned button down and a denim jacket. 



RICHIE  
Okay, is this really in style because I look like Marty McFly. This is how cool 20-somethings dressed when I was 10. Don’t get me wrong, I feel great in this, but if you had told me I could just dress how cool people dressed when I was 10...Okay, I guess the point is that you still had to tell me this was cool again. 

TAN  
But did you notice what you said? You said you “feel great” in this. How exactly does it make you feel?

RICHIE  
I just feel really put together. I like the pattern on the shirt. It’s still fun but it’s not, like, an Escher tessellation made of dicks. And the jacket fits really nice. It makes me want to, like, stand up straight. 

TAN  
Yes! You have such fantastic, broad shoulders and the structure of the jacket and shirt make you look nice and trim. 

RICHIE  
Thank you, yeah. (Richie laughs) Yeah, I just need an orange puffer vest and I can live out all my childhood fantasies. Well, wait, did I want to _be_ Marty McFly or did I want to _fuck_ Marty McFly? (A production assistant hands Richie an orange puffer vest) Oh my god, is this yours? Are these in again? That’s crazy. (He puts it on and looks at himself in the mirror.) Okay, I definitely wanted to both _be_ and _fuck_ Marty McFly. Oh, this is confusing. I’m not used to thinking I look hot. 

TAN  
And you know why you look hot? You feel hot. When it comes to fashion, if it fits you properly, it’s fair game. After that, go with your gut. And if your gut is telling you to dress like Marty McFly?

RICHIE  
Dress like Marty McFly. Seriously, though, this is rad. (He addresses someone off camera) Hey, how much do you want for this? 

TAN  
Let’s try something else. 

  * Richie leaves the room and returns in a dark red suit, almost oxblood, with black lapels on the jacket and a crisp black shirt and black wingtips. He’s wearing a silk black and white patterned scarf tied up like a cravat around his neck. He looks at himself in the mirror.



RICHIE  
So I know there are like, bears and leather daddies and stuff, but is there such a thing as a scarf-gay because I want to be that. I want a thousand scarves, three for each day of the year. Fuck, this suit is sexy. 

TAN  
It’s a fantastic color on you. Fairly rare to see, but I think you pull it off. And yes, scarves are a great way to add a pop to an otherwise plain outfit, though I think this suit could stand on its own. One more? (Richie leaves and returns in a plain white t-shirt, grey slacks, and five mismatched scarves: one around his head, one each dangling from his wrists, one around his neck and one around his waist.) Ah, hmmm. Okay. The slacks fit you very well. 

RICHIE  
I’m a scarf-gay now. 

TAN  
Alright, I think you get the picture. You have the tools you need. And when in doubt you can call Bev. I’m not sure why you hadn’t already. Now, I think it’s time for part two of the makeover. Jonathan is going to take great care of you and I can’t wait to see! (Richie and Tan hug.)

RICHIE  
Thanks, Tan. This has been way more fun than I thought it would be. I love scarves! I didn’t know that about myself before today, so that’s pretty amazing. Do I have to change back into my old stuff? (Tan nods, and Richie looks disappointed.) 

  * Cut to shot of Richie and Jonathan in a salon. Richie sits down in the chair and Jonathan runs his fingers through Richie’s hair.



RICHIE  
Help me Jonathan. You’re my only hope. 

JONATHAN  
Well, I am so ready to help, honey. First, we’re gonna shampoo and condition with a shampoo that contains no conditioner, then condition with conditioner that has no shampoo. And when you get home you’re gonna throw away that five-in-one ish, okay?

RICHIE  
No problem. That stuff was a pretty big upgrade from what I was using before, though, honestly.

JONATHAN  
Dare I ask what you were using before?

RICHIE (cringing)  
Dish soap?

JONATHAN (gasps)  
I cannot believe. 

RICHIE  
Okay, excuses, excuses, but when I moved to LA and had zero money, I used it because my roommate always bought it, because I lived on takeout and didn’t do dishes. And I thought it was okay, because, like, Dawn had those commercials with the “we use this on baby ducks caught in oil spills” and I figured, well, if it’s good enough for baby ducks, it’s good enough for me. I ended up having to go to the doctor because I got really bad dermatitis. She was as appalled as you are. I feel like I could get a class action going though. (Announcer voice) ‘If you or a loved one was mislead by Dawn dish detergent and suffered skin lesions even though it was safely used on baby ducks, call Richie Tozier at 1-800-531-8008.’ 

JONATHAN  
Sorry, hon, I don’t think that will hold up in the court of law. 

RICHIE  
Yeah, probably not. 

JONATHAN  
Anyway, let’s get started! (They go to the salon sink and wash his hair.) This will add some weightless volume to your hair. Your hair is pretty fine so we don’t want any products that will weigh it down. (When Jonathan is finished, they get up and go back to the salon chair.) So, I’m going to cut the sides pretty tight, and we’re going to keep some length on top to keep your nice waves, and we’ll style it a little messy, so that should be easy and make your hair seem thicker.

RICHIE  
Sounds good. 

  * Montage of Jonathan cutting Richie’s hair



JONATHAN   
Now, this is a volumizing and thickening spray. (Richie opens his mouth to say something, then closes it and scrunches it.) Do you have a question?

RICHIE  
No, I’m fine. I’m trying to be good. I wanted to ask if it would work on my dick, but then I decided not to.

JONATHAN (spraying Richie’s hair with product)  
Except you just said it.

RICHIE  
No, no, I just told you what I was thinking about saying. It’s different.

JONATHAN (snorts)  
You’re actually funny. 

RICHIE  
Thank you. I’m glad someone thinks so. 

  * Montage of Jonathan styling Richie’s hair. Shot of the mirror, which Jonathan is facing, but Richie is turned away. 



JONATHAN (turning Richie’s chair around so he faces the mirror)  
Alright, here she is! 

RICHIE (pleased)  
Oh, yeah, okay, that’s good. I thought this might make me look older, since like, I had a 20-year-old’s haircut and now I have a 30-year-old’s haircut, but I actually look way younger. That’s rad. Thanks, man. 

JONATHAN  
Let’s go back to the house, and I’ll walk you through your new skin care routine, and you can get ready to show Bev and Eddie your new place! 

  * They leave the salon. Cut to inside Richie’s bathroom. Richie and Jonathan stand in front of the sink. 



JONATHAN (cont. Grabbing a tube from a shelf beside the sink.)  
This is a gentle facial cleanser. You’re gonna want to use this once or twice a day--just figure out what works best for you. But always wash your face before you shave to soften up your stubble. Then, I got you this shaving foam and brush and upgraded your razor. No more of those two-blade disposables, okay, and absolutely no more shaving with just soap! Never ever again! 

RICHIE  
I don’t do it that often.

JONATHAN  
Promise me.

RICHIE  
Okay, okay, I’ll always use shaving foam every time I shave now and forever. 

JONATHAN  
Thank you. And then, once you’re done shaving, or if you’re only washing your face, a few spritzes of toner and a lightweight moisturizer with some calming aloe, and you’re done! 

RICHIE  
When should I expect to start glowing? 

JONATHAN  
Oh, you’re already glowing. 

RICHIE  
Aw. 

JONATHAN  
Now put on one of your sexy new outfits and meet us in the living room.

  * Richie leaves. Cut to the Fab 5 sitting in Richie’s living room. Richie enters wearing dark wash slim cut jeans, black monochrome sneakers, a black t-shirt, an emerald green blazer with the sleeves rolled up to show a white and mustard-yellow striped lining, and a yellow and black and white rectangular silk scarf that’s draped behind the lapels of his jacket. He’s grinning ear-to-ear. Everyone claps and whistles while he turns around and shows off. 



TAN  
Oh, my, god, you look amazing, Richie. 

RICHIE  
I know right. I look, like, pretty fucking gay, right? Like, I think I've reached self-actualization? But really. I’m excited for my friends to see, but I’m really excited to tell my therapist about this whole thing. She’s gonna cry, it’s gonna be so awkward.

KARAMO  
Well, Bev and Eddie will be here soon. How are you feeling?

RICHIE  
Well, I’m excited but I’m worried because I took a zofran an hour ago and I still think I might barf my guts out. Also, I’m still not totally familiar with the layout of this place, so I don’t have the muscle memory to run directly to the bathroom, so I wanna apologize to the cleaning crew in advance, just in case. 

KARAMO  
What in particular--

RICHIE  
Dude, sorry, but if I talk about it I will vom. 

KARAMO (patting Richie on the shoulder)  
It’s okay, Richie. You’re gonna be just fine. (Richie nods.) Alright, everybody, let’s go outside. 

  * Everyone goes outside. The gate to the driveway opens and a black sedan pulls in, driven by Bev. Eddie is in the front passenger seat. Bev grabs Eddie’s chair from the back end and sets it up for him. Eddie gets out of the car and puts his crutches on the back of the chair and sits down, then wheels himself up to Richie.



EDDIE  
Dude, your glasses are the same. 

RICHIE  
Oh, come on, you know my prescription is too strong--only thick frames for me. You wanna know what else is thick?

EDDIE  
Richie.

RICHIE  
My hair! Look how thick my hair looks. (He bends down to show him and Eddie runs his fingers through Richie’s hair. Richie blushes.) So, uh. Yeah. 

BEV  
Oh my god, Richie. Did you style yourself? (Richie nods.) Good for you. Tan, is this jacket Boss? 

TAN  
Yes, it is, from the late 80’s. Those cuts are coming back, and doesn’t it show off his shoulders so nicely? 

EDDIE  
Yeah. You look really good, Rich. 

RICHIE  
Thanks, Eddie.

EDDIE  
You’re welcome. Also, where the fuck are we?

RICHIE  
Well, okay, um, Eddie, Bev, welcome to my new house. 

BEV  
I knew it! I knew you were doing something like this. Was Ben helping you? I knew the two of you were up to something. Ben kept going on about this hollywood recluse client that he couldn’t tell me about. Was that you?

RICHIE  
Yeah, don’t be mad at him, I made him promise to keep it a secret. 

BEV  
Oh, I’m not mad. Honestly I’m pretty impressed. New kid’s got hidden depths. 

RICHIE  
You would know.

BEV  
Please. 

EDDIE  
I knew nothing about this. How did I, Rich, what the fuck? 

RICHIE  
Let’s go inside! 

  * Cut to the interior of the living room. Shot of everyone entering through the front door. Bev is first, followed by Eddie, then Richie, then the Fab 5.



BEV  
Oh my god, you recreated the clubhouse and managed to not make it a tacky nightmare.

RICHIE  
That was all Bobby. 

EDDIE  
This is cool. This isn’t like, I didn’t. Holy shit, a hammock! That’s so dumb. I love it. 

RICHIE  
And it’s angled for perfect TV viewing. Oh, lemme show you the kitchen next. (They all go into the kitchen.) So, this is my dream. It’s amazing. But, um, Eds, you can see this counter is chair height and you can fit your legs underneath. And I’ve got this cabinet here, with your stuff. (Eddie goes over to the cabinet and opens it. His face lights up.)

EDDIE  
My vitamix! Aw, is that a panini press? (He turns to the camera) The only things I know how to make are sandwiches and smoothies, so this is perfect. (He pauses, looking pensive.) Rich, I don’t want to, like, assume, but, this is a lot just for me, um—

RICHIE   
Yeah, well, mi casa es su casa, baby. Let’s check out the office next! 

EDDIE  
Okay but--

RICHIE  
Bev, you’re gonna love this. (He walks away. Eddie looks annoyed)

  * Cut to the interior of the office. The room is sparsely decorated, but is bright and very open, with white walls and white furniture. The group is standing in front of a writing desk.



RICHIE  
So, writing desk for me or Eddie if he’s working from home, or Bill or Mike if they want to come over to work on a project or whatever. Then…(he walks over to one wall and opens a cabinet, where he pulls out a drafting table.) Bev, this is for you and Ben. So if you’re hanging out and get struck by inspiration, especially now that I’m fashionable and can give you pointers. 

BEV (obviously touched)  
Richie that’s amazing. 

RICHIE   
And on that end is a murphy bed, so if the whole crew is here, everyone can sleep in a bed, which is great because we’re so old. 

BOBBY  
Richie, why don’t we go to the master suite, next? (Richie gives Bobby a pointed look.) 

BEV  
Yeah, Rich, I wanna see. 

RICHIE (reluctant)  
Okay, sure. 

  * Cut to the interior of the master suite. It’s pretty obviously Eddie’s room. 



EDDIE  
Richie, all my stuff is in here. 

RICHIE  
Uh huh. 

EDDIE  
Richie, this is the master bedroom. 

RICHIE  
Yes. 

EDDIE  
Richie, did you build me a house?

RICHIE  
It’s for all of us.

EDDIE  
Rich, did you or did you not build me a fucking house?

RICHIE  
It’s not just for you. Like, it’s my house, you don’t have to live here if you don’t want to, but mostly, well, now you could stay long-term if you wanted, since I know the condo isn’t perfect, especially since I’m gonna be touring again, and this way you can, like, make yourself food and do your own dishes--not that I mind doing that, I like cooking for us--but you don’t need me, is the point, not really, but if you wanted to stay--

  
EDDIE  
Oh, Jesus, okay, could you all give us a second. (He rolls out the door of the bedroom) C’mon, Rich, let’s go outside. (Richie follows him, looking a little frightened. The cameras follow them to the front door. Eddie pauses and turns his head to face the camera.) Keep the cameras rolling but cut our mics.

  * Richie and Eddie go down the ramp to the end of the driveway. The cameras continue filming from the front door. Richie leans his back against the gate. His head is tipped back so he isn’t looking at Eddie, but he’s talking. Through the monologue, Eddie’s starts to smile, which grows into a grin. He reaches out to grab Richie’s hand. Richie stops talking and looks at Eddie, surprised. Eddie says something to Richie then kisses Richie’s hand. Richie looks stunned. Eddie says something, then Richie helps him out of his chair. Eddie puts his arms around Richie’s neck and Richie puts his hands on Eddie’s hips. Eddie says something and Richie bows his head. Eddie takes one hand and cups Richie’s jaw and moves his head so they are looking right at each other. One of the Fab 5 gasps. Their mics are on, but they’ve been silent. Eddie pulls Richie down into a kiss. The Fab 5 clap and cheer. The cameras pan away to capture their reactions. 



JONATHAN   
YAS! Oh my god, I love how in love they are.

BEV  
No wonder Ben wanted to make that bet. I owe him, um, well, I owe him now. 

  * Cut to shot of Richie and Eddie walking arm-in-arm back into the house. Eddie is using one of his crutches and Richie carries the second one. They’ve left the wheelchair at the end of the driveway. 



RICHIE (grinning, calling out, still walking towards the Fab 5 and Bev)  
Look at all you smug motherfuckers and your smug fucking faces. 

EDDIE (calling out, walking with Richie)  
Can you believe this guy? Oh, god, you should have heard the stupid shit coming out of his mouth. “Eddie, you don’t have to live here, I just want you to do what you want to do.” As if I wasn’t already. (To Richie) That is not how I had planned to tell you, by the way. 

RICHIE  
Well, how could you have planned that? Wait, what were you planning? 

EDDIE  
Nope. Not telling. This was better, anyway. 

RICHIE  
Oh, come on. You just don’t want to admit that you didn’t realize I loved you back until I built you a house. Anyway, we’re in love! Holy shit. 

BOBBY (voiceover, montage of everyone chatting and hugging goodbye)  
Since Richie’s gotten everything he wanted, it’s time for us to go. We’ll check in again at Richie’s party, where he will debut his new comedy special for the Lucky Seven. 

  * Montage of Richie and Eddie preparing for the party and everyone arriving. Cut to shot of Maggie and Wentworth Tozier. Maggie is wearing a blue caftan with a big gold necklace, and her grey hair is in a neat chignon. Wentworth is wearing old jeans and a brown belt with a plain buckle, and a plain blue t-shirt. He has a grey moustache and beard and a shaved head. 



MAGGIE  
Since reconnecting with his friends, we have seen Richie bloom. He’s blossomed. He was so very sad and lonely and he never complained, not once! But one could see it in his eyes. 

RICHIE (off camera)  
Mom, spoilers!

MAGGIE  
Darling, I don’t understand. 

RICHIE (off camera)  
Like, spoilers for the special.

MAGGIE  
(To Richie) Darling, I cannot spoil your special as I have not yet seen it. And you have been withholding any and all details! We know nothing of it! (To camera) Wentworth and I are very excited to see it. 

WENTWORTH  
We’re proud of him. (Richie comes in from off-camera and hugs his dad. Went looks a little overwhelmed by the show of affection, but returns the hug.) 

  * Cut to shot of Bill and Mike. Mike has his arm around Bill's shoulders. 



BILL  
I actually come here to write a lot. We live, maybe 20 minutes away, but it’s nice to have somewhere to go that isn’t a cafe for a change of scenery. And it’s a memoir after all, so, helps to be around all my childhood friends. 

MIKE  
I mostly spend time in the hot tub. 

BILL  
We do spend a lot of time there.

MIKE  
And the sauna. (Bill hums and nods in agreement.)

EDDIE (off camera)  
What are you guys implying? That’s unsanitary. If I find out you’ve been screwing in my hot tub I will end you. (Mike smiles serenely at the camera.)

  * Cut to shot of Stan and Patty. Stan is holding a baby that looks to be about a year old. 



STAN  
Richie has been the bane of my existence since age 4, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PATTY  
It’s really lovely of him to give us an honest-to-goodness open invitation to his house. We live in Atlanta, but if we want to vacation close to the beach, we can come here! 

STAN  
Babylove, we’re at least two hours from any beach. 

PATTY  
Only if traffic is bad. 

STAN  
It’s LA. Traffic is always bad.

PATTY  
Pish-posh. Plus, the house is entirely baby proofed, so in a year or two, you’ll be more grateful, I’m sure. 

STAN  
Well, it’s more Eddie-proofed than baby-proofed, but same difference.

EDDIE (off camera)  
Hey, Stan. Knock, knock.

STAN  
Who’s there?

EDDIE (off camera)  
Shut the fuck up. (Stan smiles serenely at the camera.)

  * Cut to a shot of Eddie standing in front of the kitchen, with Richie visible in the background putting the finishing touches on the bolognese. A pot of water is boiling on the stove, presumably containing spaghetti. 



EDDIE (whispering)  
I’m gonna ask him to marry me! 

RICHIE  
What was that, babe? 

EDDIE  
I said these crackers taste like shit! 

RICHIE  
Well, yeah, they’re roasted red pepper flavored. You hate those. Why did you eat them? 

EDDIE  
I thought it was your mom’s pussy. 

MAGGIE TOZIER  
Edward Francis Kaspbrak! (Camera zooms out so both Eddie and Maggie are in frame.

EDDIE (horrified)  
Fuck, shit, Maggie, I’m so sorry, I forgot you were here! 

MAGGIE  
Eddie, just because the relationship between Richie and your mother was charged with inappropriate sexual tension doesn’t mean that we must conduct ourselves the same fashion. 

RICHIE  
Oh, shit, mom gets off a good one! 

EDDIE  
You know, Maggie, I’ve always considered you to be a second mother to me. 

RICHIE  
Okay, where is this going? 

EDDIE  
How would you like to make it official? 

MAGGIE  
You do not need my permission to marry my son, you know. 

EDDIE  
Yeah, I just wanted to check in since there’s no way they’ll edit this out, so I’m definitely going to embarrass you on national television. 

RICHIE  
What is happening right now? 

MAGGIE  
I’m fairly certain I lost my ability to be embarrassed the day Richie was born. Perhaps my doctor gave him one look and knew he would be trouble, and amputated it without my knowledge. 

WENTWORTH (offscreen)  
Jeezes Crumps, Maggie, would you shut your yap? (Camera pans to focus on Went, who is sitting on the sofa, wearing old jeans with a plain brown belt and blue t-shirt, drinking a bud lite lime.) Look at our son. He’s about to have an aneurysm. Eddie. Get on with it. I’m happy for you, but I’d like to eat dinner at some point.

EDDIE  
Well, I’m not going to do it now. I still want it to be a surprise. (He turns toward Richie to say something, then pauses.) Hey, Rich, that pot looks-- (the water in the pot where the spaghetti is cooking boils over and extinguishes the flame.)

RICHIE (trying to reignite the stove)  
Jesus fuck. Shit! (He gets the pot boiling again and throws a thumbs up at the camera.) 

  * Montage of everyone hanging out and talking. Richie calls out that dinner’s ready. Montage of everyone getting their plates ready and sitting down to eat. Everyone is chatting and laughing and drinking wine. Everyone finishes and gets up to sit in the living room and watch Richie’s new special while eating pie. Cut to a shot of everyone in the living room, with Richie standing in front of everyone next to the TV.



RICHIE   
First of all, just, thanks for being here. I think you all know how much you mean to me, but just so we’re clear, I love all of you. (Chorus of “Love you”s and “We love you, Richie”s) This project has been a wild ride, and I couldn’t have done it without you and like, I really mean that. I really really do. Um. I’ve got the show queued up, but before we start, there’s one thing I’d like to do first. (Richie gets down on one knee in front of Eddie and pulls a ring box out of his pocket.)

EDDIE  
NO!

RICHIE  
But I haven’t even asked the question yet.

EDDIE  
No. I just told you I was gonna ask. Can I just have this one fucking thing?

RICHIE  
Okay, okay fine. Gosh. (He goes to put the box back in his pocket.)

EDDIE  
No, wait, stop. (He grabs the ring box out of Richie’s hand, then takes the ring out of the box and puts it on his finger. He holds up his hand.) This means nothing! 

RICHIE  
Okie dokie. (Richie sits on the floor at Eddie’s feet. He leans forward to the coffee table to grab the remote. When he sits back, Eddie runs his fingers through Richie’s hair. Richie smiles) Alright, let’s do this. (He hits play, and the screen goes white.)

  * Richie walks onto the white screen, wearing the red suit from earlier in the episode. 



RICHIE (cont. Direct to camera)  
Hi, I’m Richie Tozier, and you just saw me get my shit together courtesy of the Fab 5. If you would like to continue watching me get my shit together with a few interludes where I come completely unglued, hit that button. (He gestures down and to his left. He looks at someone behind the camera.) It’s going to autoplay, though, right? Also, that’s all I had for a script, and when I vamp I end up just making your mom jokes and I really am trying to rebrand, so could we just cut--

  * Screen goes black. Credits roll.



**Author's Note:**

> HMU on tumblr at effervescentluminescense, or on twitter at fireswampdaily.


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